Chart giving me an existential crisis. Can't find me in it!

[cinephile24]

Having an existential crisis. Trying to get into astrology but am struggling due to my chart. I relate mostly to Cancer and Pisces but they are nowhere to be found. Everything I look at seems like leader, go-getter, blunt, harmony, change, adventurer. This isn't me. I realize that there are many aspects at work to consider, but I just don't see myself in my chart. My Sun Moon combo (Sag/Aries) makes zero sense to me re: the write-ups I've read. I hate that my Rising and Ascendant are the same. My house placements largely do. But the signs don't. I've got mostly Fire signs. I do have some Fire in me. As far as Sagittarius goes, I do love to travel (though I don't get to nearly as often as I'd like). I am curious and can get restless (but more from micro situations than macro). I love to learn & read but can have a hard time retaining or grasping concepts. But the optimism is not me, at least not with myself or with the world at large. But I can be optimistic for friends and people i'm close to who are struggling. And I like, even *need*, routine in my life. I do get caught between ideas of freedom and dependence a lot. The North and South Node stuff I was reading seemed to address this. I don't like change or moving. But I do feel an innate need to be free a lot. Or at least I get very overwhelmed if I feel I am not, and it is very easy for me to feel that.

I am a homebody, insecure, not a people person at all, struggles with change, lazy, struggle with depression but mostly anxiety & obsessive thinking. I'm not a leader or outgoing in the slightest. Professionally I am extremely complacent. In most social situations I sit back and observe. I don't speak my mind. I have no activist qualities in me. I suffer from a ton of social anxiety and so I tend to not be boisterous and keep everything close to the chest. Even with people I'm closest with. But when I am comfortable I am often talkative, blunt (only about myself, never others), enthusiastic, fun, kooky, etc. But I am only talkative in extremely small groups, like 3-4 people at most, and it depends on which people. Otherwise, even when comfortable, I tend to stay silent and/or feel out of place and overwhelmed by extended social activity. Once my I run out of social energy I tend to feel very restless and overwhelmed. Like I need to run out of the room. I have experienced this with friends, family, and co-workers. In social situations I tend to laugh, nod and agree with everything people say to keep things smooth and amicable. But if I am upset or in a funk, my face is completely transparent and I cannot hide it. I am passionate, yes, and extremely emotional & hypersensitive. My mind can be a very erratic place. Most of all I keep seeing optimistic pop up all over my chart but I'm the opposite.

So far I'm feeling that Sag Sun/Aries Moon combo manifests in atypical ways. That all the 1st, 4th, and the one 12th house placements are crucial. Moon conjunct Neptune and Saturn in my Sun sign & in the 1st house also huge for me. Mars in Scorpio is not something i can figure out. Same with Venus in Capricorn although aspects complicate that.

A great deal of my life and emotions is ruled by this fear, of people not liking me or avoiding moments of conflict, however small, because of how it makes me feel. It's where most of my social anxiety comes from, a combination of these two things. Fear of conflict or having a different opinion about anything even in a safe space is what I steer clear from. It's why I don't relate to the activist parts of my chart. The go-getter, world changer, courageous, trail-blazer stuff. I am not outspoken in my beliefs, and if someone says something problematic, I will not say anything (unfortunately). I just can't bring myself to. Those are the situations I will do anything to stay out of. This is why my Sun/Moon combination is so distressing to me. I am not an initiater or a leader at all. Hence Jupiter in Aries making no sense to me either. Too much Aries lol! It seems to embody all this stuff that I can't relate to. I am trying to find Aries Moon with who I am on the inside. It's in the 4th house which makes sense to me in ways that could manifest. I was hoping for a Moon conjunction Saturn. I am the least assertive person I know.

My mind is often erratic or deep in thought. It's weird because sometimes I can be extremely lucid and perceptive about myself and articulating how I feel or understand the things going on around me. Other times I can't at all.

I'm looking for the Pisces and the Cancer in me. Those are the signs I relate to. When I learned about the entirety of the birth chart I was so excited! Finally, an answer as to why I didn't relate much to Sag! But then it was...more Sag! I was hoping my mom was wrong about my birth time or birth place but alas. But then I kept seeing more of things I'm not. I'm even less Aries than Sagittarius. I've got mostly Fire signs. I do have some Fire in me. As far as Sagittarius goes, I do love to travel (though I don't get to nearly as often as I'd like). I am curious and can get restless (but more from micro situations than macro). I love to learn & read but can have a hard time retaining info or grasping concepts. But the optimism is not me. And I like, even *need*, routine in my life. I am very complacent. I do get caught between ideas of freedom and dependence a lot. The North and South Node stuff I was reading seemed to address this. I don't like change or moving. But I do feel an innate need to be free a lot. Or at least I get very overwhelmed if I feel I am not, and it is very easy for me to feel that. But then on the other side I look for protection, security, dependence in life in certain regards. Something my boyfriend & I struggle with is that we are both very emotional & sensitive people. There are times it can feel like I am boxed in by our collective temperaments and not free from that, for example, which can really overwhelm me. I can be quick to anger or sadness and emotional flare-ups. The sadness I am incapable of keeping under wraps. The anger I mostly do and can. I relate to fire in the strength and power of my emotions much more than any idea of action. I am a list-maker. I have projects related to my interests. I am extremely passionate about my interests in life. My passion in life comes from my love of film, which I've dedicated a lot of my time and life to studying. I can get extremely excited about starting new projects. And I tend to be obsessive & all-consuming with these things.

I guess I just feel lost. I want to see me in my chart so badly. It's been consuming me for weeks. I want to be defined by emotion & intuition & sensitivity. I want to have that eye-opening moment of seeing myself laid out within the chart. My chart is making me feel misunderstood. I'm happy I'm Sagittarius over a few other signs that feel even less like me. And I do feel like, after so many years of therapy, I have a good grasp on myself. I just want to see myself in here. I want it to "get" me if that makes sense. And a lot of the fundamental things don't seem to. My chart makes me feel misunderstood.

My Sidereal chart feels more like me on first glance, but I want to stick with Tropical because it's the primary way of looking at it here. Any help is greatly appreciated!

[Noel Eastwood]

dear cine, what you describe in yoruself is very much Fire. The senitivity especially. You have a stelium ni the 1st House, and that's fire as well. Have you heard that saying, "You wear your heart on your sleeve"? It means that you are transparent, every emotion is visible, you can't hide. And 'guess what?', that's Fire as well.

There is Cancer indeed with Moon and Jupiter, the Lord of the Chart, both in the 4th House, that is a Cancer house.

An existential crisis is when one challenges the very meaning of existence, life. 'Guess what?' again - that is very much a Fire issue, without meaning Fire signs crumble into meaninglessness.

This is your challange, to develop meaning in your life, to live a meaningful existence. Fire signs do that by social engagement in service to others, but they have to watch for burnout because they give too much of themselves. Personally, with your level of sensitivity, I'd go the pathway of deep meditation to find yourself. That takes a lot of work so if you wish to take this path then be prepared to dedicate your life to it.

I hope I have helped to shed a little light on your chart - there is much more there but that's enough for me today, it's back to my work.

[cinephile24]

Thank you very much Noel!